Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
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“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .