Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.