Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
You Might Also Like
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
This was a bad idea all around
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron