I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Every time.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
When I pack too much for a short trip.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”