Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
How to make infinite energy.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players