I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
At least my masseuse has my back.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔