Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
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Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.