Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
it must be school picture day
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor