You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
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THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
new career option?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.