[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
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My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself