I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
You Might Also Like
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.