Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
You Might Also Like
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
bro what is going on at twitter
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Mmmm canned fish.