You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
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This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before