Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk