Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
You Might Also Like
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*