Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
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If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?