I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.