summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
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this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Pot warmers of the day.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.