Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
also my go-to takeaway order
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…