Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
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Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Happy weekend !
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Why font matters.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
she has a point
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.