It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
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one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Simple enough.
Good point.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
No, he would not have.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.