i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
You Might Also Like
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better