me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
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When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants