If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
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Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything