The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
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I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
just got my engagement photos
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.