[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
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Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
yeah 😭
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
*exercises sarcastically*
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.