I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
You Might Also Like
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.