“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
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Every house has this drawer
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
WHO DID THIS?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Steam Forums
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Harsh but fair
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.