Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
You Might Also Like
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.