[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
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When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
But is it really??
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.