I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
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After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
The internet is full of many things
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
get you a girl who
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet