It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
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CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
The three genders
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.