On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
one of
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.