I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I never needed anything more in my life
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler