Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
oh shit
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Poetry is my passion
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?