My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
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Mornin
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I want this so bad
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Same post same
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
lost dog
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.