God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
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Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Bruh PLEASE
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.