Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering