If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.