Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!