Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
mood
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.