We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
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Solving a traffic jam
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol