[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
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“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.