Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?