(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
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My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
*swipes right on my hand mirror
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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