My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
You Might Also Like
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”