It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school