Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
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[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York