When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
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I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
there has never been a better use of this meme
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.