Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Yup
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?